If you wouldn’t ask something of a friend think twice before asking it of a lover.

I often start out as friends with my beloveds. I try not to leave that friendship behind.

One of the reasons is that friendship can serve as a touch stone when I am trying to decide if I am being reasonable.

In general I have found that if something is not something I would be comfortable asking of a good friend, it is not a good idea to ask that of someone who is more.

And if I am trying to look at how I am treating people, if it isn’t something I would do to a friend, eg using strong language, it probably isn’t something that is ok in a more inmate relationship.

I know some people think increasing intimacy is a reason to lower standards of civility and “relax”. I have never understood why you would be less careful with the feelings of those you love than you are of the feelings of relative strangers.

This entry was posted in Advice.

3 comments on “If you wouldn’t ask something of a friend think twice before asking it of a lover.

  1. Dw3t-Hthr says:

    This is actually one of the reasons that a lot of veto implementations upset me – they’re predicated on treating lovers with less respect and consideration than friends.

    When someone can say “put that relationship on hold” or “I forbid you to go to that coffee get-together” with a lover but would never dream of saying so about a platonic friend, I get mightily eeped out.

    • vrimj says:

      I agree. I just seems like respect should be added and suspicion removed as intimacy increases, and often that doesn’t seem to be the case.

  2. zzita says:

    i wonder if there’s a way to rephrase this.

    my first thought, in response to the title phrase is, ‘have a child with me, have sex with me, sleep in bed with me, help me take care of my aging parents, take turns with me supporting each other through grad school, buy a house with me, put me on your life insurance policy…’

    for me, it’s counterintuitive to say ‘if you wouldn’t ask something of a friend think twice before asking it of a lover.’ asking different things is part of the definition :).

    now, ‘treat your lovers with the same kindness and respect that you do you friends’ — that works for me, and i have said it often :).

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